I want to do this, I want to do that .....

I have been always like this. I always wanted to do lot many things. I always wanted to leave a mark on this world when I would die. I always wanted to have people having great memories of mine when I would be not there. I always thought of changing the world and making it a better place. I always thought I should be the best in any field that I would venture into. This post describes lot of such fantasies that I always carry in my heart and I will always carry in future..This is the post which takes my earlier post "Am I getting older" and what I thought after having those thoughts. This post will show the emotions, the great dreams that I always had and I continue to have in spite of knowing that many of them will not be possible in this life time ....Read on...

Again one important thing. Many of you might find that many things I say are something you know already and you might feel, what a big deal this guy is doing by writing them here. Point is this is for those who might not be knowing them. So do not judge me by comparing with yourself :). There is always some one who knows more than other. Nobody is great and knows everything. Point is are you taking any efforts in spreading the knowledge?

I always wanted to change the world. I always thought I could change the world and the way people feel and think about each other. I always felt I could make this world a better place. I always felt emotions have a great place in the world and people tend to respect you for your feelings. As I grow up I have taken a cautious approach on this dream. I now understand people are different. They think differently. You can not make them listen to you if they do not want to listen to you. But still the dream continues, with a more cautious approach.

I always wanted to fall in love with some girl. I always wanted to do everything for her. I always felt like bowing down for her wishes and respecting her. I always felt like I could make somebody fall in love with me if I could assure her that, many things I will be doing will be against what I like, but I will do them just because she thinks I should be doing it. I always feel I should give my 100% and should make things work out, accepting my faults even if you know they are not yours to a large extent, just to keep the other person happy. I always felt things work out this way. I always felt in keeping the other person happy, and I always believe the other person should understand and value you for what you are doing implicitly. I always wished she would understand me, value me and how I want to share things with her.


I always felt I have to be a great techie. I always felt I have to be the next entrepreneur who would change the way people deal with technology. I always felt I need to be above other people who think of a ordinarily life like job, getting married, having kids blah blah. I always believed I could fight against the odds. I always felt I could learn many new lessons in all this transitions. As I grow up I understand many things that goes in all this, the limitations, and it feels great to have at least that ambition. I understand that success stories are not built overnight. That the successful people you see today have their own lineage, family history, academic successes, situations and environment supporting them and they are what they are today is not a mere coincidence. It takes lot of efforts in building things and not many people can do it. But its good to keep that aim always as its the highest aim and take steps in those directions. Everybody is successful because he/ she is here where he/she is fighting against odds and situations. Its not a cakewalk for anybody. People have their limitations and abilities. But its good to try always.


I always dreamed of changing the way people think. I always felt repaying to society and making it a better place, the way big businessman like Bill Gates, Narayan Murthy do. I always wanted to be in power because people tend to listen to you if you are somebody and have some values. I always felt I wanted to see the bigger picture of the entire scene. I always feel I should be responsible for making some changes in lives of ordinary people. I always felt like being a teacher and making small kids understand the basics of education. I always felt mentoring my juniors for a better cause and for the correct direction. I always felt my knowledge should be made useful by distributing it rather than rising above in a solo manner. I always wanted to move ahead by taking people with me. I always wanted to change the way education system works and I always wanted to be a part of it for a better cause. I always believed in guiding and showing the correct path. I now understand a lot of hard work goes in this field and every person could be useful in some aspect if he wishes to be and contribute to society.


I always felt like a "star" :) :) when I play my guitar even though now days I cant play it well since I have lost the practice. I always feel I should have my own albums and I believe I could always do it. I always knew I could sing very well and if I had a background while I was growing up, I could have been a successful guitarist and a singer too. I always felt the Adrenaline rush and the excitement of a live concert and the feeling that Yes, I could have done that.


I always know that I could be a great photographer. That I could be a very successful one if I decide to be one. I could be remembered by people for my photographs had I decide to pursue it very seriously. I always know I could enjoy this profession. I always knew that this is something really close to my heart because I always like aimless roaming and spending time outside in nature, amongst people and among life rather than sitting in front of a computer. I always knew this. Hours I spent watching and analyzing other photographers snaps on Flickr and in libraries, make me understand that yes, I have come a long way in this direction from where I started 3 years ago and there is still a long, very long way to go ahead.


I always knew that if I had pursued my paintings I would have been a great artist. I could see that in my earlier paintings. I always knew I would have enjoyed the psychoness that goes with an artistry profession. And the balance of life that you have to carry out while managing the tight rope situations. I recall my days when I watch some painting in some art gallery and how enthusiastic I was about my paintings.

I always knew I had to be a great son. A great brother. I knew that I had to take care of my loved ones and they come first. I always knew that I carry a lot responsibilities and I can not shy away from taking them for my own selfness. I always wanted a have great comforts for my closed people, even if I do not have them myself. I always knew I would be emotional for them and I would take care of them always.


I want to do so many things. I always wished there was more time in a day than just 24 hours :) That I could borrow somebody else time for me sometimes when I would need it. I always wished, I was very rich. I had lot of money. I wish I was not required to think twice because of monetary problems. I wish I did not have to spend my time earning money and could have used it to pursue many other things :) haha ... I wish I could always be able to fulfill some dreams of mine, because I always want to live a dreamy, unconventional yet a worthy life. I wish these wishes come true. I wish I would be able to see my dreams getting atleast to some success in future.


Its always better to dream. Its a great motivator. It propels you to strive for more, keeps you ahead of others and keeps you busy. Its good to learn from the mistakes and strive for success, since some day from the experience you will be able to achieve at least some part of it, which you set out at the start. I fear growing up many times just for the shear burden of many responsibilities that it brings along with. I fear it because I do not want to have people looking at me from the same conventional look, because at the end its the society that you stay in with. I fear growing up because I know that, as you grow up people try prototyping you in a stereotype and sometimes the pressure gets on too much. I fear growing up because I know I might not have the same energy amongst people who are of my age and it might turn out to be a lonely battle. But the best part of growing is it makes you more wise. It makes you more balanced. It makes you understand your limitations and still aim for big with a cautious approach. It makes you mature to take certain decisions.
It opens up new windows of wisdom for you.

I wish on so many contrasting things. Finding a balance amongst them is so difficult and many times you will feel you are bowing down under your own expectations. That you have set your standards so high that it could be nerve wrecking many times and it can drive you crazy. That you know if you want you can have all the material comforts like other people, but you do not want them because you aim at something more big, more worthy, more challenging, more satisfactory. I feel its always good to break your head on some issues which are really worthy than some things which normally many people end up fighting for. Its worth to have worthy goals so that even if you do not end up achieving them, you will have at least some mental peace that, "Boss, yes I at least tried my best and failed, rather than not trying at all". I often draw inspiration from books, movie characters and stories that I hear around me. I constantly try to learn from other people by following their mistakes. That keeps me going. Its a great motivator. I need a constant motivation for doing many things. I tumble else, many times very badly. The depression could be nerve killing. Why do I write blogs? Again it gives me some motivation of different sort. It keeps me on line with my thought process and it gives other people some exposure to different things which they might not be knowing. Its good to make people aware, because that is something which mostly lacks. Everybody wants to improve, have a good life. But many times people do not know the correct way.


I wish someday I would be in the state when I would say, "Yes, I could achieve something in my life .....".



-Mrunal

Am I getting older?

I no more felt young today the way I always used to feel. Today my school started and the campus was full of new undergrad faces bustling with joy and happiness. I could feel the excitement amongst the kids. Total strength of my school is 35,000. Out of this population there are hardly 20 Indians, so you can compare the ratio. And you can imagine the crowd. UC Santa Cruz is blessed in a sense that it boasts a really high female to male student ratio, 65% population consist of girls. And the girls here are extremely beautiful. I think its this environment which makes them so adorable. They take a lot of care of their personality. The tiny revealing dresses they wear, the enthusiasm they show, the excitement that always lies on their faces. I was out in my school to witness the freshness in the campus because in summer for last 3 months it was really dull, with a death striking silence and depressing look. I had one of the worst and tiresome summers in my life, with tragedies of magnitude higher and higher striking all the way from every side. I had felt nothing could be worst than losing a job, but nope I was wrong when some more bad things happened. I felt wow, I am really getting the taste of life and how it could teach you different lessons. Today I felt a lot bored after having spent my time in lab since morning. So I decided to take a stroll on campus at 4.30 pm in the evening. One look amongst these undergrad kids and I felt a lot older. This post describes the feelings that I have been getting for quite some time, having been in US for around 1yr 2 months.


Something that is bothering me for quite a while since I have been in US is the way marriages are done in India. The way society puts immense pressure in getting a marriage successful even if it is not working. The way things are changing in India now days and the way, they are becoming worst because of its hectic lifestyle. Why this occurs so frequently to me? US did not have concept of arranged marriages till this point of time. But slowly its growing as a business. Every girl and guy has a boyfriend or girlfriend and the relation depending on at what stage it is, turns into a marriage. Either successful or unsuccessful. But people make their choices.


Being surrounded by so many young and beautiful faces I feel how poor we are in India in terms of this kind of feeling. Most of our marriages are arranged marriages, where the family decides many things. Of course that is a very correct way, but then I also feel there are no girls in so much abundance in Indian colleges too. The way our culture is made, on campus love relations do not result necessarily into a successful ending. And most of the times there is no scope for such relations. I always felt this strange attitude of society looking at a girl and boy if they are together, if they are just friends(which is slowly changing) and how mostly boys are shy of talking with female students in the class or on campus. How conservative the overall atmosphere always had been and how many problems arise because of this later. How "Sex education" is still considered a taboo and a strict no no even if it would result into lot of positive things. I compare an Indian student and a US student. The culture makes a lot of difference. Both cultures have their positive sides but we always look at the negatives in both and try comparing them and make a disaster.


I felt a lot older today. I suddenly realized that I would be 26 in 1 more month? I suddenly recalled my days when I started as a fresh student in 11th and in BE. I suddenly realized that these kids are barely 18, almost 8 years junior to me. After having stayed almost alone in US with no room partner for almost 1 year, I have a new room partner now, who is 4 years junior to me. My brother's age. Most of the students around me are either married or are at least 4 years younger to me. I can see the difference in the way they think and the way I think. I can see the difference I used to think just 1 year back and how I think now. I never felt old at 25yrs of age. But at 26 I am feeling as if I have crossed a stage and no longer belong to the young generation who have different priorities, different goals, different thinking patterns. Suddenly I feel I belong to nowhere. A look at all the undergrads and the shine on their faces and the bubbling and the excitement on their faces seem so different. I feel I am thinking of different set of problems, their world is totally different than mine. I try to recall how I was when I was of their age. How my priorities were different, how my aims were different, how I had lot of friends. I understand how I transformed over a period of time, I understand the role played by different people in my life in making this transformation. I understand how I have a different outlook of looking at things now. Then I come out of my world and think back about all my friends who are in similar conditions in India. What they must be thinking? How things are changing in India for a bad cause. How life style of people is changing because today's competitive world demands that and if you can not cope with that, you are highly likely to get sucked. I feel do they have the same questions as I have on my mind?


I still feel a lot enthusiastic about lot many things. But I feel I have changed a lot from what I was earlier and this transformation is a very fast one. I have grown to be a more tolerant, more calm, composed, less emotional, straight headed than my earlier version. I still feel a lot confused on lot issues, but now I have that understanding that yes, soon I would get things sorted out, which was not the case earlier. Earlier I used to feel this is the end of the world and I can not come out of this situation. I value the people immensely who helped me in making me who I am right now, I value the feedback they gave to me from time to time. I value the way they ridiculed my emotionalness, my confused character, my impatience because that is the real cause I could understand I had and I have so many faults and constantly tried on improving them with very positive outlook. Its always helpful to have some critics in your life, else the arrogance and ego comes and hampers your progress. I value the critics much more than I value the people who praise me. They are your best friends.


These feelings get strong day by day. They hit at you again and again because you are surrounded by that environment. Are these the signs for a marriage? I do not know. "Anurag" my friend once asked me to describe my kind of girl :) Ok. Here goes some description about her. I feel she should be a lot like me. Constantly striving for improvement, with a great positive attitude and with a quality to look at herself from her own eyes and thinking about a worthy life which need not be very materialistic, very down to earth and humble. Have these two qualities and you would have almost every good quality that is required because they are complementary, you can not have one without other. So is there any body like that there ? :P :P haha, if you are interested do not hesitate to send me your resume :P haha...This is the way an engineer speaks because his thought process has gotten a lot technical :) But a warning, I am a very high maintenance guy. I seek very high attention and the feeling of being neglected is something I can not tolerate from my closed people. I usually give 100% to whatever I do and like the other person to have the same attitude towards me. :) So meet me if you are interested when I would be arriving in December :P he he. This is where funny and exciting.


Did you feel I am getting older? :P I bet your first reaction, "Huh, this guy thinks so much :) "...hmm thats true, I think everybody thinks, question is how positive that thinking is? I certainly know humans can not control their chain of thoughts, and there is something going on constantly in mind.


-Mrunal